In The Wilderness. Why Now?
The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights I every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Psalm 37:23-24
I am about halfway through my discipleship program. Earlier in the book it shows a squiggly line diagram referencing faith and spiritual growth. It is demonstrating how we have highs and lows until be are really grounded…then the lows become less frequent and shorter. I’d like to fast track, but the journey is important.
I’m in a bit of a valley. (That’s Sue for please pray for me.)
My faith and my commitment are being challenged. I’ve had two tearful meltdowns today. I am trying to praise God in my storm. Can I be honest…it’s tough. I am trying to focus and thank God for his many blessings. I know the blessings far exceeded what is lacking. My current storm would not even register on some people’s radar, but it is rocking my world at the moment. Of course, I am over thinking every aspect too. (I’ll add that to my prayer list.)
Yesterday, I posted about the odd back pain I was having. I was prayed for and the pain alleviated, but I was in no condition to try and crawl in, around and under cars today, I was stiff and having indiscriminate twinge of pain. I went to the ER. Long story short a couple of shots, two prescriptions and a referral to physical therapy is what I left with. The issues I am having are likely caused by my job. I spend all day driving and it is damaging my back and hip. (Prayer number 1 – open the door for a different job situation. Doesn’t have to be a new job, just not driving all day long.)
I go to pick up my prescriptions and find my insurance was cancelled. How is that possible? It was just reinstated when I returned from work comp leave. I cannot begin to convey how bad the billing, notification and processing system is for my health benefits. Everything is compartmentalized and no one can provide adequate information. Bless the HR person, she was so patient with me. (This was one of my crying meltdowns today.) According to records I have to make a payment out of pocket to reinstate my benefits. I am not going to try to explain why because honestly, I’m still confused about how I can owe for something cancelled when I made several payments while out on work comp. It is not a huge amount of money in the big picture, but it is massive to us right now. Being out of work and paying health insurance out of pocket depleted my savings and put money on credit cards that we now have to pay on. (Prayer 2, financial relief).
The issue of faith and commitment hit full force this afternoon. Since we joined the church we have been tithing. The first thing I hear in my head is that the tithe check would cover about half of the insurance premium. That is true and since I write tithe checks weekly, by next Friday this crisis could be resolved. That puts me into another crisis though. I want to be faithful. God has promised to make away for his good and faithful servants. I’m making the effort…I mess up, but I am working out my salvation, my faith and yes my commitment to God’s commandments. I am writing out this week’s tithe check so I can avoid the temptation not to give my tithe. (Prayer 3, let me trust in God fully and stop leaning on my own understanding, or lack thereof.)
I feel like I dropped the ball and failed in my wilderness by going to the ER this morning. My logic says I did the right thing, I need a doctor’s note for work and the right medication to address things. Doubt makes me think I’m being punished.My heart asks why didn’t I pray harder, ask better and continue to step out in faith as I did yesterday. Yesterday!? I’m disappointed in myself. Doubt bit me in the tail and I gave in…several times today in fact.
I could have avoided the embarrassing act of sharing this with you. I have said over and over that the journey matters. I would love to write on here that my faith is rock solid. To tell you I have no doubts, I’m 100% healthy and pain free and that my finances are blessed beyond measure. I’m not there….not yet. I am a work in progress. (Mustard seeds) I’m thankful that the potter’s hands are steady and he can mold even the most stubborn clay.
Despite today’s setbacks, the Holy Spirit grants me comfort. My concerns and fears are being soothed by God’s promises in his word. He will make away. I’m asking for guidance, God won’t let me down. I will not likely see the big picture till this trial passes, vision is so much clearer in retrospect. I don’t feel like much of a conqueror today, let alone feeling like more than a conqueror.
The wilderness sucks. There is no other way to describe it. It is our trials that define us. So whisper a prayer for me and I will for you. God will use all of this for good. So I stumbled…multiple times, but God holds me in his hand, steadys my balance and encourages me to press on. Something will happen and I will see the growth from this experience or how God used it to help someone else in their wilderness. I’m being molded. So I’ll read my Bible, pray and press in. Let’s see how God makes this trial a blessing .