Fasting and Healing
Do you recall a moment or period in time where you made yourself and perhaps others lots of promises? Maybe you were caught up in the moment. Maybe you were full of yourself. (Hey, it happens to all of us.) Do you remember that feeling when things did not go quite the way you thought they would.? Or worse…you felt like you fell on your face and were a fraud?
This was one of those days. I suppose I did it to myself. This morning my post was about not successfully attacking the fast the way I wanted. Let’s be honest, that was my first mess up. Attacking the fast…what was going on in my head? I want breakthrough so bad that I ran blindfolded into a wall. (This was not pursuing with abandon, this was getting caught up in the moment.)
Quick recap. I was prepped and ready to do the full fast for the first week. I was excited. I had my juices, waters and devotional. I was a woman on a mission. Well, even missionaries on a mission have to do a bit of training and prep first. I ate well the last few days…there was no easing into this. No practical prep whatsoever. Yesterday, I felt bad. Much worse than I expected. I did have “girl problems” that aided in that feeling but in general…I was drained. Then the headache came on. I believe God healed me of my migraine condition. However, anytime there is a slight pain in my head the enemy used that moment to plant doubt and fear. That is really all it takes. One moment giving in to fear, giving into the flesh.
I searched my heart and prayed. God knows my heart, evidentially better than I do. I have felt this weight about the way I was approaching the fast that made everything feel off. (I realize this may make no sense, but someone needs to read this.) I decided, okay I will do sunrise to sunset and work a little harder on the humble part of the equation. That was yesterday.
Today I started off well. Then while inspecting a vehicle I went from kneeling with my computer in hand to flat on my tail and the computer on the floor. I did not pass out, I am not going to try and make this dramatic. It was a moment that I cannot recollect. It did not scare me, but the old mechanic 10 feet away was freaked out. (Why do men always ask if you are pregnant if you have a light-headed moment?) Any way, because one of the fellas at the shop was a volunteer with the fire department and his wife was a nurse, I was not allowed to leave until I drank some juice and ate a few cookies. I was riddled with guilt and I tried to explain that I was fasting. Imagine trying to tell one of your grandparents or parents “No”. That is what it was like. I felt better a few minutes later and headed out to finish my work day. I still felt weak. I discovered when I got home I was running a low-grade fever. My sort of series of unfortunate events taught me some things.
I prayed after I left the shop. I felt guilty, ashamed because I was weak and dizzy and then I ate a stinking cookie. God quieted my heart and I heard the very words I posted on Facebook last night, “God knows your heart”. Once I let God take over, the guilt and shame released. Then I thought about what the old mechanic said to me, “Us big folks can’t go on nothin’. You got to work up to it.” (Sounds like prep work, am I right?) Once again, that reflects some of the thoughts I have previously put out about things being a process or even when I stated that as I get into better fitness, I’ll be able to fast the way I imagined in my head. (The picture in my head was peacefully, gracefully fasting. Abstaining from everything but juice and water, living off God’s word and prayer. A picture of serenity is what I envisioned.) I needed the reality check. I am not deterred. I am fasting through lunch tomorrow. Yes, I am still shooting for sunrise to sunset, but instead of boasting what I am going to do…I will spend more time speaking to God about it. After all, my focus should be on Him not what I put in my mouth to eat.
I already mentioned God healed me of the hemiplegic migraines. He has healed so many hurts, emotional scares and much more. I am forever thankful. I shared a story from our youth group where a young man claimed his healing and said his “body had to catch up to God’s healing”. I was thinking of this once more as I struggled through the last few days. My fitness, weight…whatever you want to label it, is a result of neglect. Because of that neglect my body has deteriorated in strength and grown in width. I was never a runner or a power lifter type, but I could keep up in a Zumba class, kickboxing class and do hours of yoga. Now I struggle…I mean struggle to complete 30 minutes in the morning. This is an area of healing that I have to work on.
So, as crazy as it will sound to many…I claim fitness, healthy weight and strength right now. I trust God to give me strength to get in the physical condition I need to be in. My body (some days my spirit too) will have to catch up to the healing God has already granted to me in this area. He is breaking unhealthy cravings, giving me motivation and helping me to focus on what is important. (Health and well-being are important, not the number on the scale…just to clarify.)
Change Your Mind
Many of us get hung up on status quo. We want to be and do things because others are doing and appear to be those things. Focus on God will change your mind. We need to change our minds. Do not be so stuck in what you “THINK” you know that you cannot hear or feel when God reveals truth to you. I’ve said many times, I do not know what God intends for me to do or where he is calling me, exactly. I am trying very hard to keep my mind focused on Him and not me.
I almost did not continue this blog. I was starting the we want to live tiny blog, but not what this blog has become which is my story as I grow in my faith and struggle to die to the flesh. I was worried about what people would think. (What would my Mother think?) Several people have told me the way I write is rather…Raw. I am not really sure I could do this any other way. As I write all these triumphs and challenges, I do feel very exposed at times. More than once I thought of stopping because I felt I had said too much or worse, what if I lead someone in the wrong direction. I am not an expert in anything, except being me. To me my life is generally blessed chaos, but to God there is a specific plan and at the moment it appears that sharing my life with you is part of that plan.
Today, after the fasting meltdown, I heard part of a clip on KLOVE. A child was saying be gentle with yourself. Change is not one big thing, it is a thousand little things. (paraphrased) So there it is…I expected a big, huge change all at once, but I am being changed through thousands of little things and events. I am also dragging you along in the journey. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for your feedback. Even though I may not know you personally, I love you. God loves you. At the end of the day that is all that should matter to any of us. We are loved by God.