Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a revolving door? Or in this case more like a spinning teacup. I am blessed. There is no question in my heart that I have been blessed with an amazing family, a wonderful husband, a supportive church family and God’s grace. I have a life that is rich in meaningful relationships and lots of love. Simply put…BLESSED
My Memorial Day weekend was wonderful. At the last moment my parents, sister, niece and nephew decide to join us so they could support Devon at the Cambodia Mission Banquet. What they did not know is my husband and I were being baptized and Devon was playing bass in Sunday services. We had a wonderful weekend filled with celebration, hard work and lots of love. They had to go home on Monday. Joe and I then went to the zoo with our church group followed by supper at the Cheesecake Factory. I ended Monday utterly exhausted but incredibly thankful and full of love.
We all know that the devil wants to steal our joy. That is his mission in life. Maybe, I was so caught up in how great things were that I failed to keep guard. Maybe, it was the tiredness I struggled with today. (Big weekend and a few minor health issues are not a great combination.) I’m honestly not sure when the rug was pulled from underneath me today. When the rug went I fell flat on my face.
Last week my husband was diagnosed with diabetes. Neither of us have called it that. We got the news and believed, with God, it would be beaten into submission. He had a follow-up appointment today and I went with him. I wanted to be informed and have a picture of what was going on. As we waited, we talked about changing our eating and exercise routine. That degraded very quickly into a heated discussion…then the doctor came in.
As she reviewed test results and what they could lead too, I went a little glassy-eyed. I got quiet and stayed that way for a couple of hours. She talked about how high the sugar number was and I saw the face of a dear friend who died from diabetes. Then it was triglycerides and I picture the scar on my Uncle’s chest from a heart transplant. She mentioned potential pancreatic issues and I think about my Granny. I was hearing the results and warnings, but I was seeing the loss I have experienced as a result of these medical terms.
She then started talking about the medications. All I can see is dollar signs. I’m talking about changing jobs, that means insurance changes. I am suddenly seeing every door and window I believed to be opening, shutting one behind another. The anxiety, fear, and hopelessness was suddenly suffocating me. I was not talking because I felt like I needed to concentrate on breathing.
On the ride home I started thinking of the instruction we have to praise continuously. I made a feeble attempt to praise for the good things in my life. I kept speaking thanks but my voice fell silent. I very quickly slipped back into the worries and concerns I was struggling with. When I get sucked into that deep, dark hole I tend to lash out. I am no more than a hurt dog licking her wounds and I will bite when you try to interfere.
I lashed out at Joe. In the moment, it was like watching a car crash. I knew what was happening but I felt powerless to hit the brakes. I ran down a list of worries. Joe and I have always bickered over exercise approaches and food plans. I do not want to fight with my husband. I was scared of that coming back into my life. We are trying to get our finances in order, pay off some bills and replenish our depleted savings. All I could see is that we now have an additional $100-200 in monthly medical expenses between medication and doctor visits. Healthier food costs more money…where is that going to come from. I was in a panic and my mouth was throwing everything at Joe to see what excuse would stick to justify my complete meltdown. In the final throes of my outburst I mentioned my friend who died and my Granny. I think Joe realized it before I did…I was scared. Everything else was just an element of the paralyzing fear I was experiencing. I do not want a life without my husband.
Blessings Through Tears
It has been a very long time since I cried tears of sorrow, fear or sadness. I melted down on my husband and hid in the office to heave out tears until the tank was dry. After a few moments, my husband came to me in quiet love and support. He reminded me that we were made new. He reminded me of the words spoken prior to our baptisms. He reminded me to stop looking at the past.
These are not the words or actions of the man I married. This man is a new creation. He is far better than the man I married.
Despite my spiral into the abyss of fear, a blessing came shining through. My husband is acting on faith. I’m going to have to lean on God and pray hard through all of this. I can’t tell you that the fear is all gone. I would be lying if I told you I was not worried about anything. I know that God will see us through.
As I finish writing this blog tonight I am reminded again that we are to continuously praise God. Today, praise feels like a sacrifice. I cannot withhold my praise. All the blessings I spoke of are still very much alive in my life. This was a bad day with rotten reports, not the end of the world. The devil comes at us hard when he is trying to stop us. I stumbled today. (Ok, I fell flat on my face and the devil kicked me in the gut.) I am forgiven. I am blessed. I will have a testimony of victory over ever element of this day.
How about helping me through…
share with me a verse of encouragement, a word or quote of strength.
I am not going to ask anyone to be as revealing as I am. I completely over-share, but perhaps someone else needs to read this.